mattus.co.uk: the website of Matt Wood

I’m sorry that this one’s looking more than a little dog-eared; bear with me!

I note that the final original member of the nauseatingly popular dance trio has quit the group after a bust-up. (Details remain shady, and also toweringly uninteresting.)

New meat has quickly been acquired and carved to fit the girls’ stupid/sassy/slutty image, and the ‘babes’ are to continue undeterred. (I once found a more attractive babe in a Dick King-Smith book.)

If none of the founding members are left, how the hell is it the same group?

Pop music riles me.

Why must we separate our rubbish in this ridiculous way? It drives me up the wall.
Warum müssen wir unseren Müll auf diese lächerliche Weise trennen? Es ist zum die Wände hochgehen.

How come your trains are so reliable, especially bearing in mind that your buses arrive at seemingly random times?
Wie kommt’s, dass Ihre Züge so zuverlässig sind, besonders wenn man in Betracht zieht, dass Ihre Busse anscheinend zu zufälligen Zeitpunkten ankommen?

I don’t suppose you can recommend me a shop that opens on a Sunday? All I have for lunch is a portion of rice and some chilli powder.
Können Sie mir zufällig einen Laden empfehlen, der am Sonntag öffnet? Zum Mittagessen habe ich nichts, außer eine Portion Reis und etwas Chillipulver.

Drinking on the street gives you a wonderful feeling of freedom, until you have to stand dutifully at a deserted crossing for five minutes before the lights go green.
Das Saufen auf der Strasse ruft ein wunderbares Freiheitsgefühl hervor, bis dass man für funf Minuten pflichtbewusst an einem menschenleeren Fußgängerübergang stehen muss, bis die Ampel grün ist.

I wish we could keep our chavs under control as well as you do.
Ich wünsche, dass wir unsere Prolete so gut wie Sie unter Kontrolle halten könnten.

Are your supermarket cashiers instructed to be as irritating as possible, particularly when requesting payment?
Sind Ihre Supermarktkassierer darauf angewiesen, so irritierend wie möglich zu sein, besonders wenn sie um Zahlung bitten?

I’m sorry that I missed my appointment again. I’ll clearly never be able to get used to your asinine opening hours.
Es tut mir leid, dass ich meinen Termin wieder verpasst habe. Offensichtlich werde ich mich nie an Ihre törichten Öffnungszeiten gewöhnen können.

If we let people in Britain drink alcohol before paying for it, we’d truly be in a sorry mess.
Wenn man in Großbritannien Alkohol trinken dürfte, ohne vorher zahlen zu müssen, wären wir wirklich in einer erbärmlichen Lage.

Why does this continue to make the headlines, in Britain and elsewhere? It’s a typical example of baseless, media-catalysed hysteria. Amongst all the panicking, leafleting, quarantining and slaughtering, not a shred of evidence has emerged to suggest that swine flu is any more serious than seasonal flu.

Each serious infection has befallen a vulnerable victim, just as with standard flu and many other viral illnesses. Nobody has died in the UK. Nobody threatens to die. Meanwhile, the government is sending pamphlets to every household in the nation – 24 million leaflets, because a handful of people have a nasty cold.

From what I can tell, we are the only European nation whose government is propagating this panic through written means. Anyone would think that swine flu made a convenient distraction.

Some sentences are just inherently amusing, like this from the BBC:

Youths in favour of the Pope fought pro-condom activists staging a protest outside Notre Dame Cathedral as worshippers left after Sunday mass.

Was someone having a laugh? Which sequence of events leads to one becoming a ‘pro-condom activist’? Perhaps it helps if you enjoy surreal confrontations? The mind boggles.